I'm SLAMMED

12:50 a.m.

SLAMMED

I’m just half-way through this book. And as I read the chapters, my mind starts to wander.

I wonder if what I would do if my mother told me she has cancer.

Then I remember she had this nonmalignant tumor when I was in second grade.

That’s when I start to wonder on what had happened back then.

What had happened when my mother found out she has that thing in her?

Who she told first?

And what my father’s reaction is?

Did she cry?

Did she get scared?

What did my father told her then?

Did he cry?

Did they cry or get scared together?

Though it’s not malignant, she still has to go through an operation to remove the tumor.

I can’t remember anything that happened that phase of her life.

I can’t remember being there for her.

But I do remember I cried when I was just 8 years old in our class. And it’s one of my friends back then that 

explained to my teacher what was going on.

I cried when she got out of the hospital and I wanted to badly sleep next to her but my father told me I can’t ‘coz she have wounds on her belly.

I buried my face to my pillow and cried and cried and cried…

I cried until my breathing gets restricted.

I cried until my sobs turn into a desperate act for air.

I cried until I was at the hospital and being checked by a doctor.

They told my lola I’m having an emotional meltdown.

I was 8 years old then…
I don’t understand things but I feel them…

Now I’m 20.
And no, I can’t imagine if one of my parents told me they’re dying.

Charlie in Me

Hi stranger.

I just finished the book The Perks Of Being a Wallflower by stephen chbosky . I think you heard of that book or probably you read it yourself. But I'm not here to tell you what the book is all about. I'm actually here to share what goes into my mind or heart as I read what's on Charlie's mind. He's the main character of the book by the way.

I think that I and Charlie have some similarities. Not that we share the same story, but that I can relate to some of the emotions that he felt and the things that he thought, especially when he's over thinking. I tend to do that, and when I do over think, things got worse and then I'll feel sad. I don't know if you can really understand this. But I'm sharing it to you anyways.

It actually took me a lot longer to finish that book. First is because Charlie confuses me sometimes that I just put the book down, and think of my own life rather than his. Second is I've been busy with my studies. I really don't put that much focus on my studies but then I don't know what happened this year that made it all different. Maybe the shifting to a different course and the people made it all different. I don't know.

The book also put me into that nostalgic place. And I can't help but feel sad. Coz as I look back to what I've done into my life, I found nothing worth writing. Nothing worth sharing. Ordinary. And reading the book makes me feel that I just don't want to be ordinary. I want my future children to hear stories from me. And I want them to be proud of who I was before I have them. I actually want to be a writer. And from this moment on, I'll do everything to be that. To be able to write a story that my children would read in the future and feel proud that their mom wrote that book for them to be proud of.

Charlie have this lady that he loved, her name is Sam. And every time I read about them I remember the guy, who's been my friend for a long time, whom I confessed my love with. I remember that night that I confessed to him.

I just got home from school and was very tired. As I lay myself to sleep listening to the radio, I heard of a very touching story and it made me realize one thing. Tell those people you love that you love them before it's too late. I know you've heard it before. I've heard it before too. But the difference is that, this time I did something that night. I went out of my room and hugged and told my father that I love him and actually cried in front of him, which is a first. We, me and my father, shared the most awkward hug. And after that I texted this guy that I've known for like forever and I told him that I love him. And that I've been in love with him for a long time now. He didn't respond or anything. He actually stopped texting me or messaging me on facebook or calling me or telling that he misses me and he loves me. Just like that. And every time I read about Charlie's love to Sam, I feel sad for him and me. Because we both know that we can't have them. And it's sad because Charlie didn't get Sam at the end of the book. And I think that I'll have the same ending as his. But I still hope that we don't have the same ending. I really hope not. And I miss the guy.

Family. It's one thing that Charlie talked about mostly. There's this one part of the book where he's confused whether or not it's better to be close with your children or make sure that they have a better life than you do. Then I remember asking almost the same question. Both my parents are working abroad. And every time there's a scene in the book where Charlie talks about his parents, I thought of mine, and how I miss them. And how I promise myself that after college, when I'm the one working for them, I'll make sure that they'll enjoy their lives with me and my two brothers with them. And I'll make sure that in the future when I have kids on my own, I won't leave them. I'll stay by their side 'coz I know how sad it is to be in a house with no parents.

And as I'm reading everything that I've written up there, I realized that I'm thinking about the future, and how I want things to be. And what am I suppose to do to make all of it happen. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. I don’t know If I'm wasting my now by thinking about my future, or if I'll be using my dream of the future to make my now more productive. I think I'll have to do the latter.

I want to share to you a lot more things. Tell you a lot more thoughts that come into my head while I'm reading the book. But then I thought you might want to think of your life rather than read mine. And then do something about it. Or reflect about it just like what I did. And just in case you haven't read the book, I prefer you read it yourself rather than hear it from some stranger. And feel the feelings that you'll feel once you read it. I want you to experience the book and feel infinite.

So I'll end this by sharing some of the lines that are in the book that caught my attention.

"Charlie, we accept the love we think we deserve." - Bill (Charlie's Advance English teacher)

"There are other people who have it a lot worse." ­-Charlie's Dad

"But because things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody." -Charlie

"Even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them." -Charlie

"And in that moment, I swear we were infinite." -Charlie

P.S.

I would like to thank Karen *my new friend* for sharing me the book. I'll give it back to you tomorrow. ^____________^ ♥

Love through Pain

Hi stranger.

I'm feeling kind of weird today.

I'm thinking about love.

And it's weird because I don't want to think about love. 

But I still think about it.

Maybe it's because of what happened this morning while I'm preparing for school.

I can't help but overhear our neighbors fighting. If I heard it right, my neighbors’ husband cheated on her.

I don't mean to gossip so I'm not telling you about the details. What I'm telling you are the thoughts that comes into my head while I'm hearing her shouting and crying and throwing things to her husband.

I wonder why does love to be that painful? Why does one have to cry if love as what other say is beautiful? And I wonder if I'll ever experience to cry that loud and let my neighbors hear me??

Sighs.

The weirdest part of it all is that... I want to experience that kind of pain. I want to feel her pain.

There's this part of me that's craving for the pain that love has to give. I'm not saying that I've never been in love.

I love my friends.

I love my family.

and I loved a guy before.

And all of them have hurt me and made me feel a certain kind of pain.

But my neighbors love for her husband is just so extreme that she's hurting that much because of what he did. She keeps on saying... "Why did you do this to me?? Why??"

So dramatic right??

I envy her. I want to love someone that much. I want to experience how love eats your heart and consumes every part of you. Then all of a sudden it leaves you weak and defenseless and all there's left to do is cry. Cry out loud that your neighbors will hear you and write your story on their blog.

I told you I don't like gossiping about this. But what can I do. Her cries bothers me... it bugs my heart.

Now I feel that I want to give someone my heart and let him breaks it. I'm thinking that if I get hurt and I cry... then I can say that I loved. I loved so much that it hurts so much.

See. Love and Hurt are two very different emotions. But you wouldn't know the value of the other without the other.

Now I think the best way to define love is through pain.

And i'll experience it.. I know I will... someday.

I AM NOT A WRITER

I really am not.


So why the heck do I have this blog??

Well let's just say I'm an uber normal boring girl that have a lot of things in mind. Things that are either too dramatic or too erotic or too crazy *wait! did I just say too erotic?? IEEWW* to even share with friends.

So again... why the heck do I have this blog??

As I said awhile ago. There are certain things that I can't share with my friends... or anyone that I know.
That's where you, yes YOU, A STRANGER, comes in the picture.

Have you ever thought of seating on a park and suddenly a handsome guy that you only see in movies seat beside you and asked you this... "Miss.. okay ka lang??" And then you started telling him your life story, how sad it is and how much you need a handsome guy like him to offer you a hanky to wipe your tears 'coz you just happen to have that super sad life of yours??

ME I DID.

I actually planned on seating on a park and then wait for my handsome guy.

But then I scratched that idea. I'm not a drop-dead gorgeous girl that attract guys.
I'm just a normal typical girl. But a pretty one at least. It takes a lot more effort to put that into writing.


Which lead me back to you my stranger.


I just want to share my thoughts...
and not be judged... or ridiculed... or be backstabbed... or be... i'm at lost of words... but you get me right?


that's why I HAVE THIS BLOG.


even though i'm not really a blogger. or a writer...

it's nice to know that a stranger like you wasted your time reading this trash post of mine.
^.~